Child of War
by Girl in a White Dress
Summary: She's loved him all her life. Cas POV


Disclaimer: Not mine.  
A/N: Written for the "unsung heroes" challenge on the Looking Glass Forum.

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_Love is the child of an endless war._ – Sting, "Inside"

She's loved him all her life.

She remembers playtime with Zee and Tank; Dozer was the quiet, adoring big brother who didn't think it beneath him to play with toddlers. There are no full memories of this time in her life, only snatches. Her mother is fond of telling the story about one particular game of hide and seek: Cas had climbed into a trunk and couldn't get out. It was Dozer who heard her muffled screams and lifted the lid to free her. Both sets of parents still laugh about how protective he was of her, how he'd hugged her tight until she calmed down. He was all of five years old, and her hero.

She doesn't remember that day, but she's heard the story so many times, and she's not surprised she's always felt safe around Dozer.

Her first real memory of Dozer happened when she was nine; he was eleven. Both still far too young to attend the Gathering at the Temple, she'd found him sitting on one of the walkways, his legs dangling over the edge as he peered up towards the roof of the cavern. Cas sat next to him, and cautiously glanced over the side. "Whatcha doin'?"

"One day I'm gonna go to the surface," Dozer said.

"Why'd you wanna do that?" Cas looked upwards.

Dozer shrugged. "I just do."

"You're gonna be a soldier?"

"Maybe."

"Your mama'll never let you."

Dozer said nothing, but there was a look on his face that Cas remembers, even now, all these years later. She didn't understand then, _couldn't_ understand the strange pull that Dozer felt. She never thought it was important, never thought he'd really meant it, so she was the most surprised when he announced one day that he had been accepted into the Academy.

She was sixteen the year he graduated. She was still too young to attend to Temple Gathering, and somehow found herself wandering that very same walkway where Dozer had told her he wanted to leave.

He was sitting on the edge again, this time looking down.

"Hey," she said.

He looked up, and smiled at her. "Cas. What are you doing here?"

"Couldn't sleep." She sat next to him. "Shouldn't you be at the Gathering?"

"Too much going on in my head."

"You ship out tomorrow, don't you?"

He nodded.

"Are you excited?" Cas couldn't imagine anyone being excited to leave Zion.

"A little."

"You don't have to go, you know."

He smiled again, then reached out and took her hand. She was too surprised to protest, and after a while she realized she liked holding his hand.

"So, which ship are you on? Zee won't say."

"The Nebuchadnezzar."

"With Morpheus?" There were many stories about Captain Morpheus; most people tended to think he was more than a little crazy. He also had a reputation for keeping his crew out the longest, and allowing very short shore-leave. "I'll miss you."

Dozer squeezed her hand. Then he kissed her once, quickly, on the cheek, before he got to his feet. "Night, Cas."

She knew she loved him then. Before, she had thought it was just a crush on her best friend's big brother. Since that night, she's known better.

Still, it was another two years before he kissed her properly, and a year after that before he proposed. Zee's always been fond of teasing that her brother is slow on the uptake.

She watches the twins now, wrestling with their Uncle Link. Her hands close around the mug in front of her, but she can't find the strength to lift it. Zee is across the table, looking angry rather than sad.

Cas just wishes she could feel anything at all. She's numb, and cold, and she keeps expecting Dozer to walk through the door and tell her this was a horrible mistake and he's fine and he's here and he loves her.

The door never opens.

"You should leave," Zee finally says to Morpheus, who has remained silent and still since delivering the news. "This is all your fault."

Cas fingers the necklace Dozer had made for her. They had no wedding rings, but he gave her this, and she's worn it every day for the last ten years.

Morpheus rises to his feet. "I'm sorry," he repeats. "They were like family to me, too."

"You have no family!" Zee lashes out, beating at Morpheus' chest. Link jumps up, tries to calm her down; the twins stare wide-eyed. Cas doesn't even notice.

"Stay safe," she told Dozer, the night before this last disastrous mission.

"Of course." He pulled her close. "I'll be back before you know it."

Cas blinks and a single tear burns down her cheek. Finally, _finally_, she can cry. She slumps forward, burying her face in her hands, and she feels everything she couldn't feel before.

"Mama?" Tiny hands tug at her dress, and through her tears she sees her children looking up at her.

"It's okay," she says. "Mama's okay."

Dozer's gone, but he hasn't left her alone. So she will be strong; for the children, for Zee. She will make sure her children know their father died fighting to keep them safe. Through stories, she will keep him alive for them, and she will make sure they know how much he loved them. How much he loved her.

How much she loved him.

How she loves him still.


End file.
